(Editor’s note: Joe Weaver has been writing a weekly column for the Daily Journal for three years and readers there are already familiar with his cat, Cooper.)
In a few weeks, my wife and I are attending the wedding of a good family friend. We are grateful to have been included in his special event and we are looking forward to it. We get together with him a few times a year at his waterfront home for cookouts and such and we are sure his wedding will be a wonderful occasion. If there is one thing that can be said about this guy, it’s he can throw one heck of a great party.
There is only one problem: His wedding is on Cooper’s birthday.
Cooper is turning 4 and, well, you only turn 4 once. For the last three years, we have had a small party for friends and family to share in Cooper’s special day. There are gifts and cake and ice cream and everyone takes a turn telling Cooper how cute he is and how much of a good boy he is and how big he’s gotten and how much they would like for him to stop chewing on their $70-dollar shoes. Cooper does not meow, but he occasionally chirps, and if you hold him long enough, he will chirp at you to put him down. He does not particularly like to be held, but on his birthday he makes an exception because everyone wants to take a turn holding him and telling him what a handsome and smart and big boy he is … blah, blah, blah. Cooper will pose for selfies and try his best not to look like a demon while all of our friends hold him at awkward angles while trying to get an Annie Leibovitz-quality photograph with their iPhone. His tolerance level is pretty low, with him being a cat and all, but this one day, he puts it all in check for the sake of his birthday.
Cooper does not partake in eating birthday cake. I don’t know if cats can eat birthday cake, but I imagine it is not good for their digestive system. Cooper already eats prescription cat food that is really expensive, so I figure a Cooper-friendly birthday cake would be exceptionally pricey. I don’t mind spending a couple of bucks here and there, but I don’t think I would spend a lot of money for a birthday cake for a cat who will probably just sniff it and walk away. I have a lot of friends, but I can’t think of one who would enjoy a birthday cake made from prescription cat food. Cooper strikes me as more of a German chocolate cake fan. He’s weird and a lot of weird people like German chocolate cake due to the fact that the frosting looks like a byproduct of a nasty stomach virus. I like German chocolate cake. I am also weird. Just ask my wife or some of the readers of this column. My wife and daughters are relatively normal and they do not like German chocolate cake. If any of you like German chocolate cake, take a look at the folks around you. If they seem perfectly normal, you might be the weird one.
We have decided that the birthday party for Cooper will be the day after the wedding. Cooper doesn’t really care which day we celebrate, as long as everyone comes over and tells him what a good boy he is and what a handsome boy he is and how he —
Well, you get the gist. We have not shopped for Cooper and don’t know what he really wants for his birthday. If you have any ideas, shoot me a message on Facebook or through the paper. Cooper says he is accepting gifts through Facebook or the paper. I told him that is not how it’s done and he is not to solicit gifts from strangers. If you get a Facebook message from Cooper asking for expensive gifts, please let me know. I have it under reasonable authority that a cat has no use for a Rolex wristwatch.
Baltimore native Joe Weaver is a husband, father, pawnbroker and gun collector. From his home in New Bern, he writes on the lighter side of family life.