During my time with the Anson Record I have written a few columns about movies I have enjoyed, yet it has come to my attention I have never shared any of the titles from my Total Suck Fest, Do Not Waste Your Time, You Could Never Be That Bored movie list.
Top of this list is a movie I still find personally offensive because it was highly recommended to my sister and I by our cousins. One should think they can trust family, however, these would be the same three sisters who gushed over “Coyote Ugly,” so “Here On Earth” was supposed to be their redemption pick.
It was not.
Like all 90s girls, I like Josh Hartnett just fine, some of his movies [“Pearl Harbor”] were okay, but “Here on Earth” co-starring Leelee Sobieski and Chris Klein was definitely not one of them. This movie is an unintentional comedy from the start due to its utterly ridiculous and laughably pathetic plot line, which ironically proves to be its only saving grace. My sister and I derived a lot of enjoyment out of privately quoting from this terrible movie. Basically, a rich kid challenges a regular kid to a race, only to destroy the local country store in a fiery explosion followed by one lachrymose moment after another thrown in for those who enjoy romantic drama, which I don’t. I usually hate all dramas.
My favorite Disney movie is “Sleeping Beauty,” [and “Sword in the Stone”] which my parents conveniently, for my much older sister, recorded on the same VHS as one of the worst movies ever made, “Old Yeller.” Being a terrible person, my sister’s rule was I had to watch the latter before “we” would even consider watching the former. If you like animals and don’t like sad endings, never watch this movie or read “Where the Red Fern Grows.” My sister dislikes animals and loves the suffering of others so both “Old Yeller” and “Where the Red Fern Grows” are naturally two of her childhood favorites.
I dislike the movie “The War” starring Elijah Wood and Kevin Costner, not because I actually watched it, but because it was foisted on me non-stop for an entire summer. Everywhere I went it seemed someone was pulling this DVD out from their back pocket and trying to make me watch it. I can’t recall much of what this movie is supposed to be about, but IMDB summarizes it as a veteran helps some kid build a treehouse while fighting off neighborhood bullies. With such an enthralling description of the plot, I am shocked that I continue to let watching this movie pass me by.
Once, my husband and I tried to watch “Dune.” Less than 20 minutes into the movie we had to press stop and take stock of our life choices; were we really prepared to spend the next two and a half hours+ of our lives choosing to watch this? Definitely not.
One word; “Mother.” This movie stars Jennifer Lawrence and it’s terrible.
Other movies on my list are “Trap,” “Heretic,” “The Girl In the Pool,” “The Butterfly Effect,” “The Lake House,” “Premonition,” Nicolas Cage’s the “Wicker Man,” “Citizen Kane” because it’s almost as boring as watching golf, Stephen King movies, “Dark Crystal” because “Labyrinth” will always be the far superior movie, “Gone Girl” because the ending fell apart, and “Vanilla Sky.”