While recently driving through my local Walmart parking lot, I noticed snatches of scorched brown fronds peeking out from between the bars of Walmart’s Outdoor Center and I was overcome with disgust as I knew them instantly to be my former springtime nemesis; the Boston Fern.
In fact, I took one look at those botanical freaks blowing half-heartedly in the breeze and felt intense dislike well up within me.
A favorite movie from my childhood is “Life With Father,” which stars a young Elizabeth Taylor and features a line from the movie’s exasperated father that goes something like, “I will not have this botanical freak in this house!”
I think of this line every time I am forced to look upon one of these abominations of nature.
If, for some reason, you do not find my hatred for ferns self explanatory, it is fair that you might read this and think, “Dang girl, what did a fern ever do to you?”
The answer to this question is- A lot.
For starters, I refuse to believe anyone who has spent any length of time working with plants truly admires the fern.
I have deduced this theory based on how much I hate being in charge of ensuring its stupid, constantly shedding leaves do not blow around in the wind making a store front look bad.
Because ferns essentially go scorched earth the moment sunlight touches them, if one wants the plant to look healthy, they may find themselves spending a lot of time culling its delicate fronds or leaves.
The Boston fern is a finicky creature who is rarely pleased with the amount of water it receives and if one waits until later in the day to water it, then its leaves will sizzle in the midday sun like nature’s own version of the wicked witch from the ”Wizard of Oz.”
I understand why as a former florist or floral designer I would hate them- but I still have to wonder how a customer is happy to bring the monstrosity home, seeing no problem with it looking like moldering death for the next few months, and shedding its “skin” all over their front porch or deck, thus ensuring daily sweeping. It’s got to be like agreeing to adopt some spoiled, mutant alien that you must coddle along until it finally, and dramatically drops dead in a leafy mess all across your porch in the fall.
Have you noticed the cost of one of these bad boys- not only are you cleaning up after the Boston fern all summer- you are doing so after paying anywhere from $15 to $25 for the dubious pleasure.
It is high time for the public to rise up and cancel Boston ferns. I think we have all had enough of them lying about looking lazy all summer long.
Why would anyone want to hang such an offensive plant on their porch when there are spider plants, pansies, marigolds, purple wandering Jew plants, begonias, petunias and so many other actually attractive plants available?
Boston ferns also attract slugs when they are displayed outdoors- and I ask you, who wants slugs on their porch?
While Boston ferns are not toxic to humans or most common pets, the indoor kept Boston fern can carry scales and mealybugs- certainly those are some unwanted guests inside your home, am I right?