Struggling with anxiety and depression, Toni Rorie knows mental health is one of the most undiagnosed medical conditions because it is often an invisible one.
She explains, “The reason being is that it is not detected by a routine physical exam. People with mental health issues may appear outwardly healthy, even though on the inside, they can be experiencing significant distress.”
One of the most frustrating things Rorie has found in trying to explain her mental health issues to others is a phrase deeply rooted in the American psyche, “You don’t look sick”!
Rorie explains, “Three issues that I have learned while dealing with my own diagnosis is the stigma surrounding mental health, difficulty getting access to treatment, and the overwhelming feeling of loneliness.”
Much like with any chronic health disorder, Rorie encourages people to remember mental health conditions are extremely real. She points out, “They can be debilitating for some people. Just like physical illnesses, mental health also requires treatment.”
Echoing Heather Edwards’ words from Part One, Rorie says the stigma against “mental health, anxiety, and depression” can make people hide how they are feeling for fear of being rejected by friends, family members, or people in society.
Through her struggles, she has learned a major stumbling block to individuals receiving the care they need is a lack of immediate access to mental health treatment and resources.
Rorie says, “Some insurances do not cover mental health providers which can financially drown someone seeking help so much that they hesitate to even seek help at all. Sometimes people don’t ask for help because of the fear of judgement or in my case, feeling embarrassed.”
Believing she may have inherited her depression issues from her dad, Rorie says she knew for a long time that she was struggling with anxiety and depression.
She explains, “After a very traumatic experience in college, my depression became increasingly worse. My friends and even my family would say that I looked fine and always had a smile on my face.”
Like Edwards, Rorie says her smiles were contrived. “Looking back, the smile on my face might have hidden my feelings but I knew I was struggling. I just continued to work and do what I could to occupy my mind. Not that it worked all the time. Other times, I would find myself wanting to try to drink it away.”
Rorie says this outlet just made her problems go from bad to worse.
“Bad decision because my feelings were still there. I lost several really close friends within a close period of time, and it made me feel lost. I felt alone. I thought no one could understand me. I thought life was continually slapping me down.”
Compounding these feelings, in 2013 Rorie injured her back, which she says affected her mental health as well.
Finding herself in a truly dark place, Rorie said, “There were days where I thought the world would be better without me in it and I wanted to be out of pain so bad that I contemplated suicide. I’m so thankful for the intervention from my family and my friends at that point. They picked me up on days when I couldn’t mentally do it myself.”
By 2016, Rorie met and married the love of her life.
Rorie says, “I felt the best I had in so long, but depression reared its ugly head again. I still couldn’t get past the traumatic experience from my past and it began to affect our relationship. He was so great in helping me navigate what I was feeling and getting me past my trauma.”
The moments where the world says we should be at our happiest can often be when we feel the saddest. It can be hard for those struggling with depression to accept they are deserving of happiness and even harder to trust when it comes their way. When a person perceives society feels they should be happy, and they are not, it can increase an individual’s feeling of isolation.
Despite her support system, in 2020 Rorie found herself struggling through COVID-19 with a newborn daughter.
“I finally realized that I needed help. COVID and having a front-line job scared the living hell out of me. I didn’t want to bring germs home to my newborn baby. Working in a very public job, there were very little measures we could take to prevent the spread of COVID-19. But we did our best.”
She goes on to recount a tale similar to a nurse’s every day come home routine; “There were many days of stripping out of my clothes at the door and spraying everything down in Lysol.”
Rorie found the uncertainty of the pandemic to be a huge trigger, and says it made her feel like she was drowning.
She recalls, “My anxiety was at an all-time high. I finally admitted to my family I was extremely anxious to the point of my heart racing, feeling like I was going to throw up, and tremors in my hands.”
Deciding to come completely clean about her silent ordeals, Rorie finally opened up about the trauma that had dogged her for so long.
“Everyone knew something happened but didn’t know what exactly it was because I would never talk about it. My family reassured me that they would help me find treatment. They were so supportive and did not shrug me off. It was something we could finally talk about. I remember feeling embarrassed, but they gave me so much comfort.”
Following her revelations and outpourings, Rorie agreed to start attending therapy sessions and seeing a psychiatrist for medication maintenance.
She says, “It was the best decision I have ever made for myself. Five years in, and I function better than I ever have. I still have days where something triggers my anxiety or depression, but it is completely manageable”!
Therapy taught Rorie how to cope through routine and order.
“Doing things in the same order, for example, taking a shower. Wash my hair then wash my body, then I get out and brush my teeth, put on deodorant, fix my hair always in the same order. Finding activities you enjoy, whether it be arts, crafts, sports, whatever the case may be. Last summer, art became my out,” says Rorie, who started up her side business Spin art by Toni during the summer.
She adds, “Anxiety and depression make me who I am and that’s ok. I am finally ok with it. I have admitted my struggles and sought help. It is my responsibility to use my struggle to help someone else who may be struggling and afraid to admit it because of feeling embarrassed. I want people to know that it is ok to not be ok but that there is help. There is hope. I have learned that it is ok to feel like I need a few minutes to myself to clear my head. Admitting your struggles makes you stronger, and doing something about them, defines you”!
